Just a Letter for all you New Yorkers or the Tell-It-Like-It-Is Crowd. . .
The Situation. . .
New York as well as other large, urban areas have a unique cultural identity all
their own. So, the people living in these areas have a different "hit" on
(and/or understanding of) anger, hostility, violence, and even relationships. I
have worked with many residents of these urban areas including New York, and
have received more requests from New York residents for both the Taming the
Volcano Series and the online anger management course. It is convincing argument
that there are also CULTURAL and ENVIRONMENTAL factors at work for people
struggling with anxiety, anger, and/or violent thoughts and behavior in these
areas.
I know that when I travel, the pace of life is different from region to region depending on the infrastructure (mode of transportation, urban and rural density etc…), population, and culture. The cultural identity of a region is not necessarily related to any particular ethnic identity but rather a sociological culture of productivity, time, and self- and corporate (group) identity.
The "tell-it-like-it-is" culture is a no-nonsense, straightforward attitude that derives significance out of truth-telling and directness. The "angry" person's behavior is usually emotionally proportionate to the perceived need at hand to set the record STRAIGHT. The intent of the "tell-it-like-it-is" person is not necessarily to convey disrespect or dishonor (even if it IS a means to perhaps "control" the environment). It is simply that culturally, directness IS the MOST important attribute to live by. Perhaps the environment requires this no-nonsense approach to life in order to survive (sometimes literally). This may be in contrast to attributes such as flexibility, humbleness, and diplomacy which simply are not as important or REQUIRED by the environment.
The Problem. . .
I agree that there are some environments (work, the city, the bureaucracy, the
streets, and unfortunately- home) that 'eat people alive'. This is where the
kind-hearted, the flexible, the non-demanding, and the diplomatic are seen as
either a nuisance or in some cases, weak and ready for the "slaughter". I agree
that the notion of Taming the Volcano while living in these circumstances is
perhaps difficult if not appearing impossible.
Why is it that our offices receive so many calls from New York and other urban areas? Why is it that I've seen and talked to so many from the East Coast seek therapy in our West Coast offices? In reality, people and specifically individuals do NOT necessarily enjoy the stress and anxiety provoked from this kind of lifestyle. Changing your behavior in spite of the culture around you will have a payoff for your health, attitude even if it is nothing your neighbors or family has seen before. Of course, if you are in a dangerous situation…truly "life threatening" I hope you would have enough about you to protect yourself by calling the police or retreating. In cases where the angry interchange was simply habitual, I would encourage you to find an inner peace that leads you to choose your reactions rather than giving in to habitual response.
The Solution. . .
Here are some specific ideas to address the particular cultural norm of
"Telling-People-The-Way-It-Is-All-The-Time":
Don't believe that simply living with this anxiety or stress is "normal". If it becomes normal, people will become callous and not recognize the threat! If you live in chaos as a child, repeat it as an adult, and see it all around then chaos will be treated as the norm. Chaos and peace do not easily co-exist.
Create some sort of environment that is friendly to yourself and your family. If reading a book, going to the park (a safe one), taking a bath, driving an hour to get 'out' once a week is what it takes to see that not EVERYONE does it the way I see it, that is enlightening. This may take a LOT of practice. If you have been moving 100 miles an hour and slow to 50, you might feel like life is passing you by. Well, slowing down is not 'angry' and at the very least you won't be destroying relationships!
If your behavior has been identified by yourself or others as troublesome, consider not defending yourself for once. That isn't the same as having to run for your life or being mugged in a park although it may FEEL like it. Use it as an opportunity to decide how you would like to be able to adjust to the needs of the environment and decide who you WANT to be.
Practice 'inner peace'. I oft quote, "We all want inner peace and strangely, continue to look for it in others". You will not find what you are looking for by becoming more of what others or the environment demands! However, if you stay in anger, chaos and particularly BUSY-NESS, it is a fine way to avoid looking at yourself, becoming self-reflective, and deciding how you want to live.
Become a strange 'alien' in your homeland. Listen when people talk, rather than assuming- ask if people want advice or an 'ear to hear', walk and talk and act a little slower…a little more deliberate, be impeccable with your word AND don't impose that value on others, be aware of your own agenda and decide if that's the agenda you want.
If walking away serves your new agenda, then do that…always respect yourself but never take away the dignity of others even if have already done it (or are doing it) to themselves.
Some environments are seemingly in need of being "FIXED" and at times, the people in those environments are especially in need of being "CORRECTED". Ask yourself who appointed you God and decide if your actions become part of the environment mess or model a clear alternative.
If you just decide you don't care, please stay out of the way of those who do.
Dr. Scott Christie
FCC Home Page |
Directory of Family Counseling's Services in Oregon